EDIT: I started this entry before making it through Esquire’s list of 25 Most Stylish Gifts Under $100. After I finished I think a more appropriate title for their list would be “2.5 Gift Ideas and a Bunch of Nonsense I Typed While Stoned and Under Pressure from My Editors to Make a Relevant Holiday List in Order to Meet My Monthly Submission Quota.” – Cougs
Last week we talked about what not to buy me (or any other guy) for the holidays. Let’s recap: Socks, cologne, underwear featuring Sponge Bob…you get the picture.
So then the question became, well what do we want? I said keep it simple and give from the heart, but that’s because personally I love to be as aggravating and ambiguous as possible.
Thanks to Esquire Magazine I can dodge the bullet and instead just recap their ideas with general amusing op-eds of agree or disagree.
Without further ado, Esquire’s 25 Most Stylish Gifts Under $100 (with commentary)…
- A Coffee Maker: Agreed. A simple and useful idea that saves lives.
- A Christmas Sweater: Disagreed. Their example is a $70 JC Penny brand. A., since when is anything worth buying for $70 at JC Penny? and B., No. Christmas sweaters are bought at Goodwill for $5 or stolen from your cat lady aunt. Meow.
- A Shawl-Collar Sweater: Agreed. Caveat, will he willingly wear it? If you’re buying me gifts then this goes in the yes column. Keep in mind, I’m not your average guy.
- A Real Game: Disagreed. Their example is Dominoes. Dominoes were cool when I was five, and only when knocking them down. Do not spend $50 on a game that only enjoyed by old men in Harlem and destructive five-year-olds.
- A (Real) Candle: Disagreed. No one…repeat, no one needs a $95 candle. Invest in Glade and $4 tealights from IKEA. Trust me the latter will get you laid way more than anything that smells like Irish Tweed. I’ll happily be the amateur with $91 more in my pocket and my apartment won’t smell like I’m an asshole.
- A Card Case: Agreed. There is no excuse for the fat wallet sticking out of your back pocket. You do not need those five unclaimed Subway Club cards with one stamp on each of them. I’m not a fan of the snaps, but to each their own.
- A Pair of Sunglasses: Agreed. Although shades are a matter of personal taste, so take your man and let him pick out his own. Tortoise rims if you want him to looks like a yuppie from Manhattan. Black rims if you want him to look like a hipster from LA. Pick a coast. Oh, and gold rims only if you want him to look like a drug dealer.
- Gloves: Disagreed. I don’t care how useful they are, no one is going to get excited about receiving a pair of gloves. Unless you’re dating a serial killer.
- Some Mittens: Disagreed. “For sheer warmth, mittens are underrated. Especially if they also turn into gloves.” See above. And then send the writer of this piece a pair of mittens, lotion and a blow-up doll.
- A Vest: Disagreed. “It’s the kind of thing a man won’t buy for himself, and it’s easier to figure out than, say, an entire coat.” How about you just buy me AN ENTIRE COAT? Something classic, that has sleeves, and DOESN’T SUCK.
- A Pair of Boots: Agreed. These wingtip snow boots are winter time winning.
- A New Cologne: Ding, ding, ding, ding! Maybe the writer should have read my last post before hanging himself. Gift #fail.
- …Or This Cologne: What? Did he just used the same gift in for two separate items on the list? It’s nice to see the writer give up so easily. Let’s just hope he’s not salary. On second thought I bet he is…
- A Tie: I’m assuming the writer fell asleep at this point…or simply stopped caring. Thanks.
- An Organizational Strategy: Disagreed. Yes, I too need something that will help me differentiate between “odds” and “ends” because I too am a complete moron. And no, by “organizational strategy” I’m not looking for a life coach or a gift card to the Container Store.
- A New Wallet: Disagreed. How about no wallet over ever carrying a Fossil wallet? Fossil? The staff at Esquire couldn’t find anything better than Fossil for $40??? I’m serious here folks. See #6. Oh, and here…try this instead. You’re welcome.
- Some Socks: I am disgusted. I should have guessed this was coming up after the last few gems, but I didn’t want to think it could be true. “These are the kind you want to wear with boots.” *takes subscription notice and throws in fireplace*
- A Hat: Agreed. But only because I’m bald and my head needs protection in the winter time. Otherwise this idea sucks just like the last one. “By the time Christmas rolls around, you may have already lost a few. Replenishment time.” Yes, please replenish my dwindling hat supply! More hats please! I lost so many this year from all those downhill bicycle races and speed boating trips I’ve taken. Fuck off.
- A Watch: AGREED! Yes, finally an idea that doesn’t make me want to strangle myself. Men need a watch collection. This is a great way to start!
- A Scarf: Disagreed. “Tribal, but not too tribal.” Nice try Sacajawea, but how about no.
- A Notebook: Disagreed. “Because if you’re going to cross things off your to-do list, you need a piece of paper.” Or I and everyone else in the 21st century will use our handy “to-do” app. Ever heard of “going green?” Probably not…Republican.
- Something for the Shelf: Agreed. If you can find something cool, that your man is into and that he’ll proudly display on his shelf, then you’re a better woman than most.
- A New Spirit: Agreed. Alcohol is almost never a bad call, unless your significant other is in a recovery program. “From Poland, where they drink vodka even when it’s cold.” When do you drink vodka? During the summer at Cocktails and Dreams? PS, it is always cold in Poland. Racist.
- Long Johns: OMFG AYFKM. This list has really tested my resolve not to curse in a blog. I’ve already failed so I’ll let you decode that last one. “Sometimes, the best details are the hidden ones. Also: incredibly warm.” f@#$!@#!!!!
- A Flash Drive: “Swiss Army once made carrying a knife cool. They’re now doing the same thing with tech.” I’m sorry, I forgot when carrying a knife was cool. Oh, did you hear? Swiss Army is trying to make carrying flash drives cool! Yay! Because Swiss Army did a great job of making me cool in middle school (insert copious sarcasm). How about I go to Staples and buy a flash drive for $30 less and not care if I lose it or what people think about me for buying a $58 FLASH DRIVE!
God, is buying for us men really that difficult that we can’t even come up with our own list? Lord help you women out there. After reading this I forgive you for the cologne. But not the socks. Never the socks.